Why is Communication so Hard?
Communication can be so hard! Miscommunication and unintended hurts can be very common, especially in difficult conversations and when you add in feelings, past communication blunders, old wounds from past relationships or family to the mix. Having a framework can help effective communication!
Effective communication is achieved when both people have the chance to share their thoughts and feelings, and both have the opportunity to be heard. It does not always result in agreeing with each other but it does result in connection and understanding.
Here’s a technique to help: The Speaker/Listener Technique
This tool has been around for a while and has some very practical and simple rules that create a structure to aid in effective communication.
Here’s how it works!
Who: 1 Speaker, 1 Listener
Rules for the Speaker:
Stay focused: Share your thoughts/feelings about ONE topic.
Speak for yourself: use “I” statements.
Avoid judgement or assumptions of the other person.
Keep statements brief. Careful not to share, and reshape, and share again. Smaller chunks are easier for us to hear, listen to, understand and digest.
Pause for the Listener to paraphrase back to you.
Rules for the Listener:
Listen. This is not your time to talk or share or correct. You are to focus on understanding what the Speaker is saying even if you disagree with it (your time will come).
When the Speaker pauses, you paraphrase what you heard back to the Speaker. You do not add to it, correct or rebuttal. Just paraphrase to make sure you understood the Speaker.
The Steps:
Speaker shares (following their rules above).
Listener paraphrases back to Speaker what they heard.
Speaker clarifies anything they think the Listener did not get right. (Be careful not to criticize if something is misunderstood. This is practice for both of you.)
If Speaker is satisfied with the Listener’s paraphrasing, switch roles but stay on the same topic! Remember, understanding each other is the goal, not convincing or changing the other person’s mind.
Repeat steps 1-4. Then move on to another topic if both people are ready.
Why, as a therapist, I like this technique…
It slows down the conversation. This can be frustrating at first to slowdown but it is valuable for cooling down the emotional temperature of the conversation.
Gives a better chance for emotional regulation. When we are emotionally activated, flooded, or disregulated, we don’t do our best thinking or listening. We cane be more quick to say something out of anger, hurt or fear, that maybe we don’t actually mean. Slowing down gives a better chance to use coping skills to manage your emotions that get activated in difficult conversations.
You will get your turn. This structure is designed to ensure each person is given designated time to talk, and to listen. This helps to reduce a focus of listening to respond (or just to rebuttal) and focuses on listening to understand your partner.
This provides a container/structure for communication. Once this is practiced, it can become familiar and therefor easier to routinely use in communication. This all helps to increased connection and understanding and decrease intensity and duration of conflict.
