From Communication Gridlock to Connection
Dr. John Gottman is a clinical mentor for many of us in the world of therapy. With his experience and research, along with his wife, Dr. Julie Shwartz Gottman, they have provided decades of helpful interventions, improved understanding and healing for many couples. In his work focusing on communication issues, Dr Gottman identified four common ways that couples find themselves in frustrating, and often hurtful, conflict resulting in communication gridlock. He coined this list as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” which details the ways that one or both partners can shut down communication quickly. They can keep us stuck in conversational gridlock. They can be conversation killers; and therefore, connection killers.
What are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
Criticism - pointing out a complaint as a defect in the partner’s character; example: “We always do what you want to do. You’re so selfish.”
Defensiveness - a form of self-protection that sounds like righteous indignation or attempts to sidestep any part in the issue, can feel dismissive of what the other person is saying/feeling; example: “It’s not my fault the house is a mess.”
Contempt - statements of belittling, degrading someone else, comes from a position of superiority; example: “I can’t believe you didn’t know that, you’re such an idiot.”
Stonewalling - emotionally withdrawing from the conversation, can look like discontinued eye contact, just walking out of the room; example: “This conversation is over.” “I’m not having this conversation again.” Hanging up on someone.
Learning about these Four Horsemen help us catch ourselves when we use them. This insight into our own patterns helps us to both learn to break these habits, and instead attempt to communicate in new effective and helpful ways.
Looking at areas that are hindering your communication can feel vulnerable, making it seem easier to not address these patterns. However, avoiding destructive patterns will only lead to their continued presence in your relationship - don’t ignore them!
So how can we stop the Four Horsemen?
There are “antidotes” discovered by the Gottman’s in their research.
Criticism —> gentle startup
Defensiveness —> take responsibility
Contempt —> describe your own feelings and needs (don’t describe your partner)
Stone-walling —> do some self-soothing
Picture Source: Atlas of the Heart by Dr. Brené Brown
Antidotes in action:
Criticism - pointing out a complaint as a defect in the partner’s character; example: “We always do what you want to do. You’re so selfish.”..try, “I feel left out when we make plans. I would like to do some things I really enjoy doing too.”
Defensiveness
Instead of, “It’s not my fault the house is a mess.”...try, “I could do more to help clean up the dishes and the kids' toys.”
Contempt
Instead of, “I can’t believe you didn’t know that, you’re such an idiot.”...try, “I feel hurt when I am not included in conversations. I need to be able to express my views and opinions too.”
Stonewalling
“This conversation is over.”...try, taking some deep breaths, count to 10, attend to your emotional responses, even ask for a “pause” in the conversation BUT commit to come back to it with calm emotions.
