Alone or lonely?
Being alone and feeling lonely are two different things. They can overlap or be experienced separately. They can feel similar or entirely different. The major factors are choice and experience.
Being alone can be a choice, sometimes it’s a healthy choice. We can choose to have some alone time for self-care, to do whatever we want like catch up on a book or latest tv show or just for some quiet. Though it is not always a choice, sometimes friends/family are not available. We can be alone when our significant other is deployed or family lives far away.
The other factor is how we experience the two, we can experience being alone as a positive thing. It can be a much needed break from all the roles and responsibilities around us. Loneliness is usually a negative experience, an experience that is connected to other difficult emotions.
When we are experiencing loneliness, we are feeling alone in a negative way. Loneliness can stem from being alone, but is not always accompanied by being alone. We can feel lonely in a room full of people. Have you ever felt that? You might be surrounded by people but still feel alone, feel lonely? This is because we are really feeling disconnected.
Loneliness is really an issue of disconnection. We might be disconnected from the people around us or disconnected from ourselves (if we are not connected to our thoughts, feelings, needs, we can even feel loneliness with ourselves). Loneliness stems from disconnection and leads to various other feelings such as shame, depression, anxiety, hopelessness and negative thinking patterns.
We are hard-wired for connection. We need connection with others to release certain healthy chemicals in our brains including oxytocin.
Risks to more loneliness:
Working long hours
Pandemics
Parents not having time with other adults
Poor mental or physical health
Lack of hobbies that can be enjoyed with others
Unresolved emotional distress or trauma
How to deal with loneliness?
The simple answer, get connected! Get connected with friends, family, neighbors, people at the gym or other social opportunities. Get connected with nature. It takes time, energy and vulnerability, but it is worth it and is vital for our health. Make the choice to linger after an event and talk with people. Text a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Call a friend, even if they are across the country. Find groups that are centered around a hobby you enjoy. Take the first (and hardest) step to try something new.
Change your environment. Get out of your home and get moving.
Get connected with yourself - be your own friend. Get connected with yourself by planning some “me time” doing some of your favorite activities. Be present with yourself, really fully present.
Try something new. You can meet new people.
What about isolation?
Isolation is a common reaction to difficult situations. Maybe when feeling depressed, we isolate ourselves from friends and family. We might not make plans, answer the phone or reply to text messages. We might cancel plans and isolate ourselves. Loneliness could be out of avoidance, reaction when feeling shame. Isolation can be an extreme reaction to loneliness. Though isolation keeps us disconnected, it can be a natural tendency to stay disconnected if we have been feeling lonely.
In summary, being alone can be a choice and a healthy one at times. Loneliness is something we do not choose that does not feel good, it’s an issue of disconnection. Isolation is an unhealthy reaction to a deeper issue or experience.
Get connected.
If you are experiencing loneliness and struggling with it, come talk to us. We’re based right here in Clarksville and are TRICARE approved. Our counselors also specialize in depression and anxiety. You can sign up here.
