Your Inner Child and Your Relationships
Photo taken by Tony Edwards, 2016
In Part 1, Your Inner Child and You, we discussed what an inner child is, how they are developed and oftentimes disconnect throughout our lives. If you have not read Part 1, I encourage you to go back and start there!
How does this relate to your relationships?
Relationships serve as a mirror to our unresolved wounds and unmet needs in childhood. Yes, that’s right, the inner child is present in our relationships and can become more activated/reactive in relationships.
One of the beautiful things about relationships is that we learn most about ourselves when in relationships (Okay, you might be thinking, “Ha, beautiful?...You mean brutal!” And I know, it can be brutally painful to learn about ourselves. Growing pains are not just physical, they are emotional too. But, it is also beautiful and it’s not just because I am a therapist that I am saying this. It is a beautiful thing too because this allows us the chance to develop deeper connections and intimacy with others). You won't be the only one to learn more about yourself, your partner will too! Your friends and family will too.
The challenging and painful parts in relationships are when our past wounds and past unmet needs show up in our current relationships. This would be an old message from childhood that gets activated when your partner does, or doesn’t do something. If we feel there is a risk or potential risk to our safety, security or connection in the relationship, our inner child might inform our thoughts, feelings and ultimately our actions. Conflict is common and in many ways inevitable between two people. How we deal with the conflict is a different story. When conflict arises in relationships we might relate to the picture at the beginning, our adult selves turn away or attempt to protect ourselves (again, need for safety is threatened) while our inner child wants to connect. It is the messaging we have downloaded or internalized that impacts us today as adults.
How to care for your inner child (and your partner’s inner child) in relationships:
Keep taking care of yourself and your inner child. Remember that your partner has an inner too with their own wounds, needs and messaging. Being kind to yourself and to your partner is important when you are learning new skills and ways of connecting and caring for yourself.
Be curious rather than judgemental or reactive. Check in with yourself and your partner. What is the story you are telling yourself and ask kindly what your partner is thinking/believing.
Allow time and space for each of you to identify your feelings and needs. Know each other's attachment style and how that might be connected with your inner child’s needs.
Offer grace and patience. This is a new practice and will take some time, for both of you. And the work is worth it!
Seek professional help and guidance to work through conflict and to learn skills to connect without further wounding each other (or in inner child).
The challenge, and the goal, is to care for your inner child while also acknowledging your partner has an inner child who is hearing everything you are saying to them and experiencing how you are treating them.
