How Fitness Improved My Mental Health - Pt 2
Fitness improved my mental health until it couldn’t any more.
During the healing process with my body, I became pregnant. I had learned enough by then to give my body grace to grow and change. Although my daughter was born medically complex, the pregnancy itself was uneventful. I was able to attend pelvic floor physical therapy in between her many surgeries and hospitalizations, which was something that acted like a catalyst for learning about and supporting prenatal and postpartum fitness coaching. At just 8 months postpartum, we found out that we were expecting again.
Pregnancy #2 was also relatively uneventful, but I was unaware of my undiagnosed trauma in caring for my medically complex daughter and growing tensions in my marriage. For the first time I began to feel the weight of marrying into active duty military life, managing a home by myself, experiencing my partner’s stressful work life, and walking through a very lonely journey of mothering a child with a medical disability. This made for the perfect Postpartum Depression (PPD) storm.
I expected the lack of sleep and the nursing hurdles. I expected the constant tension between caring for a toddler and a newborn. I did not expect the intrusive thoughts or the rage or the resentment I felt towards my spouse. I was very eager to get back to exercising because I needed just 20-30 mins to clear my head, and it worked! For a time.
It was another PCS with a geographical separation from my husband (there was no housing available at our gaining duty station, so he went to work while we stayed with family at home) that cemented the feeling of absolute darkness and rage inside my soul. Sleep depravity and being strapped to a breast pump every three hours blurred those days of motherhood and caregiving, and looking back I am not sure how I actually functioned through 3-4 gym workouts per week. It’s important to mention the level of care I was (and wasn’t) receiving during these 4 months: first, I was working with an excellent fitness coach that gave me grace due to my family’s (ever changing) situations! There was no “goal” other than to move well and effectively. Second, because of a lapse in primary care for me (both kids were placed on Tricare Select to ensure continuity of care), my declining postpartum mental health went undiagnosed. The only care I had available was emergent care: which meant I would have to check myself into the ER if I felt like harming myself or anyone else. There are some days that I am certain fitness kept me from checking myself in somewhere.
It was still not enough.
Fitness did not and could not calm the rage inside my soul, quiet my intrusive thoughts, or open up to anyone about how dark the world felt. I don’t know why I was shocked when I glaringly failed my postpartum depression screening once we (finally) rejoined my husband at our duty station. I was fast tracked to Behavioral Health for immediate counseling services. I remember telling my husband, “I didn’t realize I wasn’t ok.” They replied, “Taylor, I don’t think you’ve been ok for a long time.” Fitness stayed very consistent for me as I attended in person and virtual (this was 2020, afterall) mental health sessions. It was, however, the counseling that helped me understand the negative behaviors I had adapted over the years, which my poor postpartum mental health magnified. I learned about “snowballing,” and “ speaking in absolutes,” and healthy communication techniques (this is still an area of improvement for me!). Fitness couldn't teach me any of that.
Sometimes I will see trending posts about how “fitness is cheaper than therapy.” I fully see this as an accessibility issue that is well above my pay grade! This lack of accessibility is something I speak about often.
