All or Nothing?
All-or-nothing thinking is one of the common cognitive distortions (an irrational, biased, often habitual and inaccurate way of viewing ourselves, others, experiences or the world around us) many of us are familiar with.
This way of thinking is called “all or nothing” because the tendency is to label various things as either all good or all bad; all this or all that. It categorizes into opposites without wiggle room. It is also referred to as black-and-white thinking or dichotomous thinking. There is little to no middle ground or shades of gray. An experience is either all fun or all boring, a person is either all kind or all mean. An emotion is either all good or all bad.
But, life is not all good or all bad. Life, people, experiences, you name it, are on a spectrum. There is a spectrum of how we experience something, a vacation can be really fun with some curveballs and stressful moments, it wasn’t ALL one or the other.
This way of thinking can leave us stuck and sadly, discounting other parts of how we feel or how we view others.
Examples:
I am a failure.
My job is completely terrible.
I’m never going to change.
My partner forgot our anniversaries, they don’t love me.
Commonalities with All-Or-Nothing Thinking:
Perfectionistic thread to this way of thinking. If a job performance or test grade wasn’t perfect this way of thinking might say, “it was a failure”, “I was terrible” (spectrum thinking would sound more like, “there are some things I wish I had done differently and some things I did well. I can change the things that didn’t go well and try to improve next time.”)
Holding yourself and/or others to high standards and expectations. There is high pressure when we label and categorize things with only opposite options.
How to challenge this pattern of thinking:
Practice noticing your thoughts. It can take time to really identify what thoughts are going through our minds. Pause and listen to what you are saying to yourself.
Give it time. It can take practice to identify these usually automatic thoughts that we do not give much through to. It can take practice to become aware of them.
Look for spectrum thinking. Rather than all-or-nothing, can you see where on a spectrum between two extremes this could more accurately be understood.
Avoid absolutes, extremes and look for shades of gray
Write down the all-or-nothing thought. See if you can identify the “all-or-nothing thought" then write down a gray/spectrum thought that more accurately expresses the whole story of experience, not just part of it.
Changing your thinking can be challenging, but it can be done. It takes time, awareness and self-compassion. Having the help of a therapist can assist you in this process.
